I Am the 1 in 4

Four weeks ago, a hurt entered my life that will forever leave its scar on my heart.

I had a miscarriage. There, I "said" it. It actually feels awkward and almost invasive to give you a
peephole into my struggle, my vulnerability. But I want you to know that the "1 in 4" has a face. It's mine. It's my unborn baby's. I need you to understand that the "1 in 4" is so much more than just a statistic. It's the hopes and dreams I had to let go with my child. It's the wonder and excitement turned to fear and anger as the crushing blow was dealt by the doctor. It's the pain and hurt that course through my veins when I learn my baby is lost.

Lost. Lost, like my baby can somehow be found again. Lost, like I accidentally misplaced my unborn child seven months before her birth. Lost, like I somehow forgot about her existence. Only, I could never forget.

I wish I could tell you about some jaw-dropping epiphany I've had that taught me some life-changing lesson. I wish I could tell you that God gave me this inspiring "ah-ha moment" where this hurt all made sense. But, I can't. This hurt doesn't make sense. Yes, I still find myself wishing and even longing for that "ah-ha moment" where I fully understand why God allowed this to happen.

My heart daily cries out as I fight through the agony, the questions. Constantly, my voice screams in anger and fear and doubt. "Why God?! Why did this to happen to me?! What am I suppose to do now?!"

"Praise Me."

"What?!" The tears flow heavily, more like a river than a stream. My body shakes, "God, this hurts. This hurts so badly."

"I know. Praise Me."

"You don't understand. My heart aches, and I'm so mad at You. Do you not see my hurt?"

"I do. Praise Me."

"But, how am I supposed to just move on? How am I supposed to be okay?"

"You don't have to be okay. Come as you are. Praise Me."

As I cried out to God in those times and as I continue to cry out to God these are the only words I hear. No grand, life-changing lesson. No light bulb going off to signal my newfound knowledge and a lesson learned.  No epiphanous moment where all is made right. And yet, these words sink quietly into my soul. "Praise Me."

I have nothing grand or life-altering to share with you today. I only have these gentle whispers:

  1. God knows my hurt, and it hurts him too. Even in my anger, God cares about my pain. He knows the darkest places of my soul. Psalm 56:8 says, "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
  2. Life is a miracle. Life is a miracle that I've taken for granted. Each day I've taken the miraculous out of life and turned it to ordinary. So do me a favor. If you have children of your own, don't waste another moment. Go to them now. Wrap them in your arms, and praise God for the miracle you hold.
  3. I fight God for control over my life. I really struggle to let God be fully in control. I've always felt most confident in my own abilities, not His. Now, it seems my own body betrayed me, and clearly, having kids is so much more out of my control than I want it to be. Some people are able to have kids right away and others wait months and months. This really does show the truth behind Psalm 139:13. "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb." God knits us together. I can't do it. God creates life.
  4. It's okay, and even good, to be weak. I am weak. This miscarriage has literally brought me to my knees. I have no other option than to surrender to my God who desires to be my rock.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...For when I am weak, then I am strong." [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]   "...There is no rock like our God." [1 Samuel 2:2b]
  5. God calls us to praise Him. We should praise Him in the calm and in the storm. But, praising God in the storm means we must go out INTO the storm. In Matthew 14:22-24 (Jesus Walks on Water), Jesus sent His disciples ahead of Him. Verse 22 says, "Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that His disciples get back into the boat and cross to the other side of the lake, while he sent people home..." Jesus sent His disciples out knowing there would be a storm ahead. He sent them out knowing that a struggle was coming. He sent them anyway. And because He sent them into the storm, they were able to see His miraculous, saving grace as He called Peter out upon the water. He allowed the disciples' faiths to be stretched as He performed a miracle before them. He allowed them to grow in trust for Him...but only after they stepped into the storm.
  6. Being called out upon the water is scary. It's terrifying. It means giving up control. It means handing over fears. It means replacing doubt with faith. It means total surrender. If I will just call upon His name, it will all be okay. I will be okay, because I am His. He knows me. He loves me. He is in control.

So, I still have not had this giant epiphanous moment I seem to be longing for. Today, I'm okay with that. Tomorrow may bring a new storm, but today I'm okay with the gentle whispers of "Praise Me. Praise Me in this storm." He's calling me out upon the waters. My own human desires work to keep me from Him. The ropes of fear and anger and doubt try to tie me down. But I know the wholeness that reaching Jesus will provide. I need that wholeness, the kind only Jesus can give.

As I step through these rising waters, Jesus has a miracle for me. That miracle is in my changed heart. That miracle is in Jesus changing my fearful, angry heart into a heart that is content with a gentle whisper. That miracle is in Jesus making me whole.






Comments

  1. Miscarriages are so hard!! Love your honesty and that you are still striving to praise God through it. Sending much loves and hugs!

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